You know I told you last night I got to deliver a reflections speech at my Bible college graduation – go SMTI! Well, that was not such an easy venture for me. That Saturday, when I was told by my teacher that I was chosen to give the speech, immediately I tried to say no (but she wasn’t asking me, she was just telling me) and all these fears of public speaking came flushing in. I’m very well-written but I cringe at speaking in front of people. Anyway…I left for the day, and I started to mentally prepare my speech. But then that Monday, I got some really bad, life-changing news. The devil was really trying to attack my family and my mind. I had some tough decisions to make – whether to stand on the word of God or follow after my own will. I chose to stand on the word. I emailed my Dean and told her that I couldn’t give the speech because I was just under so much mental attack. As the weeks (2) went by, I was just under so much condemnation and mental stress. The thing that happened didn’t even happen to me, but to someone else. But I felt as if it were still my fault that it happened. At our graduation rehearsal this past Thursday, I was still on the verge of tears. This thing was so heavy on my mind and on my heart. The Dean, then of course announced to all the other students who would be giving the speeches. I was still half-heartedly hoping that she would not say my name, but out it came. I couldn’t just deny her in front of everybody (well, and not feel good about it afterward). After rehearsal, I went into the bathroom and just started crying. I went home, sat in my parking lot and cried more. Then I started talking – to myself. Asking me, “Why? Why do I really feel like this? Why am I putting so much pressure on myself? Why am I keeping all this stuff locked inside me?” I had to get to the root of all my feelings. Sure, I felt guilty, but what was at the root of that? So I think I got to the root of the matter. And I just let it go. I know that, like I said a few days ago, it’s just Satan trying to using my emotions to move me away from what the Holy Spirit has already set in motion. So, I woke up Friday, went on about my business and feeling pretty condemnation-less for the rest of the weekend. And you know what happened next…I gave my speech – copy on previous post. And it was a good speech. I delivered almost everything that was written. But oddly enough, even when I try to be serious in serious moments, my delivery isn’t quite that. I got compliments such as that was “you are so real”, “I didn’t know you were that funny”, or “you should be a Christian comedian”. But I felt good. I felt like I accomplished whatever the Holy Spirit wanted to accomplish through me. I hope that I touched someone’s life the way they needed to be touched. So when I woke up this morning, I didn’t even think about what I wanted to be today. I felt it. The first thing my spirit said to me, was “Man, you won. You beat the devil last night. I am victorious!”. So that is what I am going to be today. VICTORIOUS.
As I was just writing this, my mind said to me, “what all does this word victorious that mean?”
Here’s what my MSOffice thesaurus says it means.
Winning. Triumphant. Prizewinning. Champion. Successful. Conquering.
Here’s what the Bible promises us about victory
1 Corinthians 15:57 New Living Translation
But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 John 5:4 New Living Translation
For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith.
Phillipians 3:14 New Living Translation
I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
6.1.08 I Graduated!!!
June 3, 2008
Today is June 1st. I’m supposed to start today delivering you to my Word for the Day, but the course of today has been a bit different from most Sundays. Today, I graduated from my first year at Bible college – Barclay Ministries’ Supernatural Ministries Training Institute (SMTI). It’s been an awesome and transforming 9 months. A special honor for me, was that I was selected as one of the 2 students to deliver a short speech at our commencement ceremony on what SMTI has done for us. So instead of trying to come up with a new blog topic and Word for the Day, I thought I’d just share what the Holy Spirit put in my heart for my local body of Christ, with the body of Christ all over. Here goes…
I’m Tami Nutall, and I’m a first year SMTI graduate. This moment has been, for me, in the making for the last 3 years. It was about 3 years ago, one of our previous SMTI graduates was preparing to enter into her first year at SMTI, and I so clearly remember her asking me if I wanted to enroll too. I said “no way, not me, but I’ll happily pray for you as you do”. I was happy just coming to church for those 1.5 hours every two weeks or months or so. I think God was standing there smirking at me, saying “That’s what you think”. So I continued on over the next 2 years, living my life the way that I wanted to and trying to make my heart’s “little” desires come true – with “little” success. But I always felt God pulling me closer and closer to Him – it’s amazing how we feel that when nothing in our life is working the way we think it should. So last year, I started to yield a bit, and I started coming to church every Sunday and as I did and as I began to get closer to God, His word really started to be fulfilled in my life.
Everything God does always begins with the word, but sometimes we don’t get a revelation of what that word is until way after God has started something. And for me that word was Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart”. For so long, I thought that meant whatever I wanted, God would give it to me because He loves me – never mind the first part about delighting in Him. But around week 28 of SMTI, it became clear to me that that wasn’t all at what that scripture meant. I got a ‘revelation’ – a light bulb – that scripture means exactly what it says in the exact order that it says it. And I began to have flashbacks. Looking back over the last (now) 365 days of my life, it started with the Sunday morning service the day of the 2007 SMTI graduation. It was just a small desire to come and support the 2007 graduating class. Then it was a small desire to really have what they had. I know me, and I know those 2 desires didn’t just come from me. Then exactly 60 days later, God did something even greater. He sent me to SMTI. Didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go, just sent me. Thank God I obeyed. Because as I pressed into SMTI every Saturday morning at 9am for 31 weeks, I know undoubtedly that God did what He said He would do in that scripture. He really did give me a new set of desires – which were soooo different from my previous set of desires. Those little desires snowballed into a big desire to be here in fellowship and in Word with this company of believers every time Pastor requests, and a big desire to help build up my local church – not just fill a seat, and also a big desire to invest my time with my daughter above spending all my time at work. Most importantly it gave me a big desire to have an eternal relationship with Christ. It also sharpened my spiritual ear to hear the heart of my Pastor and to hear God through him, and it gave me a heavenly love and respect for both of them. The lessons were great and on point each week in my life. But the one thing that has really transformed in my heart, is my huge desire to follow after the things of God and His will and call on my life versus my own. And you know what, it was like a big shift change beginning January 2008. The more I sought God, the more peace, and joy, and even business sought me. Now I might have gotten to this point eventually without SMTI, but it could very well have taken another 30-something years, and I and my family, and the Kingdom of God just don’t have that time to waste anymore.
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So, to answer my question from yesterday,
“What do I want to be today???”
Simply…
